She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
