I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
