I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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