I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
