I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
