i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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