My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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