You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
