somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
they need to just BURY HIM!
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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