I'm lost and stupid without you.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
