a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
