How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
