I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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