I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
