I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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