Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
