If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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