and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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