I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
