I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
