Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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