went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I AM VODKA MAN
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
