You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
