I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think I died a long time ago.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
