the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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