just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
