I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
