At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
