you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
