My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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