Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
