since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize