I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
True strength comes from lack of pants
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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