I must be too annoying 4 u.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
