I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you would pick up someone in the library
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
