She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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