I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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