Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
