i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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