I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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