I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
