my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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