just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
