There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
