im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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