Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize