She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
