Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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