All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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