Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
