It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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