We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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