Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Randomize
