My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
