your thong is hanging out like whoa
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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