I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
how drunk are you?
Several
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
