i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I don't deserve a penis
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
