i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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