We're like a lot better than the average bears
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
