my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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