Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
