FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My dick has a subreddit
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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