Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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