I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
