i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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