Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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