I CAN MOONWALK!
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
