my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
