hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
