Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
