Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
