Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
