I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
